Even though People wish to die, it’s not simple to die. I know it since I have tried and failed. You would have heard that people who attempt suicide or commit suicide are coward. But let me tell you, it is not at all true. You require 10 times more courage to die than live. I have sat for hours with a knife in my hand, unable to cut a Green vein. I couldn’t even make a scratch. Or may be my remaining selfish wishes are holding me back? At last, a slight red colour, a little scratch, that’s what I could manage to do, that too after a struggle with knife, blade, nail cutter, safteypin. These days I have developed a new hobby, which is to find different way to suicide. I am thinking about easy methods but all ways to suicide seems to be hard!!
How to live before death? Are we living to reach death? Or is this life something, which we have to live till the time we die? I got to think a lot about this whole concept of death. But what if before I could think and find out all about death, death conquer me? Then I can proudly say that I died while trying to find the truth about death! Doesn’t this sound hilarious? For few people death is the end of life. But do they die when they reach the end of their life? What if somebody is living a life just waiting for death? Then death will be become the beginning of that person’s life. I want to live to live, and die-to-die. And I should know that I lived and then I died. Some people will say that they have lot of things to do before they die. What if they die, before they could complete all those things they wished to do? What if they don’t die, even after completing all wishes? Then they will have more wishes to fulfil, more duty to complete.
The ideas to suicide, which I thought about, were quite a few, but not uncomplicated ones. I have already mentioned about the cutting vein attempt, which was ineffective. Next was jumping from a tall building. Let’s consider Barton Centre (Bangalore). 13 Floors and I have heard that attempted suicides were successful many times there. There is a restaurant on 13th floor on rooftop. How will I reach there? What if security stops me or if the place is crowded? However I have kept emergency numbers in my wallet, and my visiting card, that will do. Didn’t try, just because I will look really ugly with a broken skull. Next is consuming poison. What about trying rat poison? That’s an easily available one. But then I realized that at times even rat survive on poison when they don’t get to eat anything.
If I tell you the truth, I am scared to try all these. And all those were excuses not to attempt. I am too nervous to die. It’s so difficult to face the problems in day-to-day life and still we somehow fight and get over those problems. If we have the courage to face the life, we should be able to face death more effortlessly.
While travelling I sincerely used to wish for an accident, bus, train or Scooty. Nothing happens. Back home we have snake god. Regular poojas and prayers happen there. I have heard that snake god is too powerful. I normally don’t pray for anything. Whenever I have asked something, I never got it. Whatever we ask we will only receive what we deserve and what god grants us. If you request and anticipate a result and that doesn’t happen, we will be disappointed. So why tat distress? That’s the reason I stopped praying. However finally I decided to ask for death. I have been struggling so much and it’s a piece of cake for Snake god. But even now my request is pending. See I have been writing with all my life and now making you read through my thoughts.
Do people wish to die when they don’t wish for anything anymore? May be very few lucky people may accomplish that. Few people do not wish to live anymore since their wishes are never-ending or all remained as just wishes. Other few are never pleased with whatever they have and will be saddened by life and wish to die. However they still live since the death doesn’t bless them. I am tired of running. While the life is still left out to battle through, I am trying to walk back. Even though my legs are not chained, I can’t move. Without even giving a key, my heart is beating. I am expecting someone to call me from behind. I am waiting to give up. May be this life is still held in reserve for more adventures.
Suicide note is something an individual writes before they decide to end their life. But this suicide note is not just one of those kinds. Why do we avoid discussion about death? I consider death as precious as life. Few will live and make life precious whereas few will die and make death precious. Lot of them wrote and sang about life. But why people stay away from talk about “Death”? May be because people hesitate to openly talk about death, Death comes as silence, as cold and even secretly. Without letting anyone know, without any invitation, as if somebody who has been hated by all…
Does death have a colour? Most of them think that the colour of death is Black. I love to give Green colour to death. Green is a lively colour and I love death than life. So for me death is as precious as my life. Death is a green quilt, which is waiting to cover me. Death is like the green beads I love to wear. Death is the fragrance of my green gown. Death is the green veins that running in my body. This is my death note (suicide note). My writing about death is just to show how much I admire and love death. This is One’s love note to death who is frantically seeking death. When death will realize that it can never find someone who is in love with it more than I do, Death will come in search of me. I am sure about that and I am waiting. In every breeze, in every leaf movement, in hunger and thirst, in twilight, in every journey, and in every breath. I am waiting only for death.
“Wish I could die, or I could just live till I die”!
